I grew up in a political turmoil time in my country of origin. When I was just 5, a revolution hit, and our home turned into a refuge for palace guards escaping opposition forces. My dad got thrown in jail, and suddenly, being a girl meant losing the right to bike and being treated like I was half as important as the boys, thanks to the new laws of the land. Then came a war that struck around for 8 years. Bomb shelters and red sirens were part of everyday life. By the time I hit my teens, I’d seen enough brutality and heard enough horror stories from prisons to freeze up any sense of courage I had. The word “courage” just wasn’t in my vocabulary. The brave people I knew were either locked up or gone.
My post-traumatic disorder melted little by little through many years of therapy, yoga, meditation, and medicine works, and mostly because of the company of many courageous and good-hearted people who became my friends and teachers. And I still didn’t have the word courage in my vocabulary. I am sure if you knew me, you would consider me a courageous person considering what I have done in my life and the places that I could reach from my beginning, but that was not my own inner experience. I would react to the situations and jump on to the next thing I could do mostly out of my survival reaction rather than consciously and intentionally growing courage within myself. What is the difference and why is it important?
Well, if as a child, you have been programmed into shaming, or inherited shame from your parents, if you have experienced an authoritarian environment where your will was dominated by force or violence, if you were programmed through punishment or if you took responsibilities too early, then there is a big chance that you have not had the experience of developing your healthy muscle of courage in a safe place.
We all have a window of tolerance based on our capacity to absorb stimuli. Effective learning has its foundation in safety while taking some risks and tolerating some frustration. If the muscle of courage learning was dominated by the force of caregivers, schoolteachers, or the social environment of your country, then there is a big chance that your courage has not been grown safely. There are ways you can grow your courage and rewire yourself while healing from your traumas, but it is a good thing to know how healthy courage feels. Stay tuned for an exploration of healthy courage on our next week's blog.